The Gotei Thirteen Office
by JustPlainDani
Summary: A series of unrelated oneshots in which the Gotei 13 star in episodes of "The Office". New: "Company Picnic" - As the Gotei Thirteen meet up on the training grounds for a little bonding, just how much chaos will ensue? Read to find out.
1. Pilot: Office Olympics

**Disclaimer:** Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. NBC owns "The Office". I receive no monetary benefit from this work.

**Author's Notes:** This idea. Ate. My brain! xD Anyways. This is the first in a series of oneshots in which the Gotei 13 star in parodies of episodes of "The Office". For when I loose my train of thought on another story and/or get bored out of my mind. First up: "Office Olympics". And yes, for literary purposes, I may have screwed up the plot of this episode just a tad. Please read and review!

* * *

It was early morning in seireitei- in fact, the sky was just beginning to turn grey with the dawn.

"I'm an early bird," Ichimaru explained, "but, I'm also a night owl. So... I'm wise... an', I have worms."

Kira Izuru entered the Third Division office, holding a bag.

"Sir!" he cried to his taichou.

Ichimaru Gin smiled at his fukutaichou. "Ne, Izuru, didja bring my...?"

"Breakfast? Yes, here!" Izuru put the bag on his taichou's desk. "Now, sir, what did you want me to come in early for...?"

Ichimaru looked up. "Oh, yeah! Ano... my breakfast."

Kira's face fell.

"So... you've got the whole office to yerself... run around with yer pants off or somethin'... whatever you wanna do."

"Ano, if it's alright with you, taichou... I'm going to go take a nap outside until everyone shows up."

Kira exited, leaving Ichimaru to his breakfast.

* * *

"Today, I, Ichimaru Gin... am becomin' a home owner!" Ichimaru yelled.

"Ichimaru, aren't you already...?" Hitsugaya began.

"Ne, off-campus property is the way ta go, Hitsugaya-kun!"

"Can I go with you?"

"No." Gin said quickly. The last thing he wanted was the over-eager boy-captain following him.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Fifth Division office, Aizen Sousuke stared absently at his desk before slowly putting his head down on it. Hinamori giggled.

"Every now and then, Aizen-taichou dies of boredom... I think today it was filing the health-checks that did him in. And, we have a deal that it's up to me to revive him," she explained privately.

"You see Shirou-chan's tea cup?" she asked, suddenly in the empty Tenth Division office with Aizen.

"Yes?"

"Sometimes when I get bored, I try and throw stuff in to it." She handed him a crumpled-up PostIt note. He tossed it at the cup, but missed.

"Here, try a paper clip." Hinamori suggested, handing him one.

* * *

"Can I be your representative?" Hitsugaya asked.

"No." Ichimaru answered quickly.

"But we're a team!"

"Ichimaru and I are a _very_ good team. We're like, one of those classic famous teams... We're like Mozart and... Mozart's friend. No, we're like... I'm like Butch Cassidy... and Ichimaru... is like Mozart. You mess with Mozart, and you get a bullet to the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy." Hitsugaya disclosed to the camera.

* * *

"You headed out?" Hinamori asked as she and Aizen met Ichimaru and Hitsugaya near the gates to the seireitei.

"Yup." Gin answered, his perpetual smile in place.

"Well, have a good time, you two!" Hinamori asked, bowing.

"Ano... Hinamori-chan..." Gin began, "did you... change all my... magazine subscriptions to my new address...?"

The dark-haired girl blushed a bit before answering. "Hai, Ichimaru-taichou."

"The... Shinigami Women's Association Swimsuit calandar...?"

"Yes sir."

Aizen glared at the other captain.

"Gin. Perhaps next time, you could have your own liutenant do your work, rather than mine."

Ichimaru bowed a bit. "My apologies, Aizen-taichou." he said before they left.

* * *

Still bored out of his mind, Aizen wandered to the Eighth Division office to find Kyoraku Shunsui and Ukitake Jyushirou flicking a paper football back and forth, with Kyoraku's liutenant at her desk, filing paperwork.

"What are you guys doing?" Aizen asked.

"Playing a game." Kyoraku answered.

"What kind of game...?"

Ukitake opened up the scorebook to show Aizen. "Something we play when we get bored."

"May I take a look?"

Aizen took the book for Ukitake and began to flip through it.

"Oh, my _God!_ These go back to nearly _two hundred years ago!_" he cried out.

"We get bored_ alot_." Kyoraku explained, flicking the paper football back to Ukitake.

"That's so cool... I totally love the... flicking-the-paper-football back and forth...!"

"We call it Hate-Ball." Kyoraku said.

"Why?" Aizen asked.

"Because of how much Nanao-chan hates it." Kyoraku smirked in her direction.

"Don't call me that." she snapped.

"Do you have any other games...?" Aizen asked.

"We see how quickly we can chug a bottle of sake." Kyoraku offered.

"_You _play that, taichou." Nanao said from her desk.

"Ano, if you want to find out some more games, why don't you talk to Kaname?" Ukitake offered. "He can teach you Gotei-Ball."

"Great!" Aizen said. "Thanks, you guys." he said, setting off for the Ninth.

* * *

"So are we ready to close the deal?" the relator asked Ichimaru, who stood inside the duplex-like house he was about to buy.

"No, we're not." Hitsugaya said. "We actually have a few questions about the neighborhood."

"Well, uh, it's First District Rukongai... it's very safe, very clean, it's very... very _tolerant_ of... _alternative_ lifestyles."

Ichimaru nodded once. "Good." he said.

"... It's very _gay-friendly_." the woman clarifyied.

"Oh, good!" Ichimaru said. "That's good..."

Hitsugaya cleared his throat.

"Actually, I _do _own property." Hitsugaya told the camera. "My grandmother left me a working beet farm on the edge of Rukongai. I run it with Hinamori. We sell beets to local shops and restruants."

* * *

"So _this_ is what that noise is all day!" Aizen yelled as Tousen explained Gotei-Ball. He was using his zanpaku-to to hit a ball off the side of the building, almost like tennis.

* * *

A while later, Aizen wandered over to the Eleventh Division.

"Zaraki-taichou!" he called to the other captain. "Tell me, are there any games you play when you get bored?"

"I have a game." the big man said darkly. "It's called, 'train my subordinates all day so that we're the strongest and don't get beat up by the pansies in the Fifth'."

Aizen took a step back.

"Fair enough." he said before walking away.

* * *

"And _this_... is the master bedroom!" Gin yelled, throwing open the door to back bedroom. "I'm thinkin', bed over here, one of them plasma screens from the Livin' World on there..."

"No way." Hitsugaya said, stepping over to the wall that Ichimaru had motioned to. "That's a shared wall. If your neighbor gets mad, he throws his wife against the wall... Plasma screen?_ Down,_ totally smashed."

"Then I'll get a warranty." Ichimaru said.

"Uh-uh. Warranties don't cover that."

Ichimaru sighed as Hitsugaya pressed his ear to the wall.

"Man... these babies are thin..." the boy-captain remarked.

* * *

"Dum, dum, dah-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum-dah-dah-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dah-dah-dum, dum, dum..." Aizen began, lighting a small candle. Several other taichous and their fukutaichous were gathered around him.

"This scented candle-andle-andle... which I found in the mens' bathroom-room-room... represents... the eternal burning of... competition! ... Or... something!" he announced.

"It smells like cookies." Kyoraku noted.

Aizen turned to him.

"Yes, it does, my friend. Yes, it does." He turned back to the other shinigami. "Okay, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids." he said, holding them up.

"Ano, the bronze are really blue... and they're also the underside of the gold, so... no flipping." Hinamori added.

"Let the games begin!" Aizen yelled, walking towards the Fourth Division. Nanao remained where she was, and folded her arms.

"I play games. I... dangle things in front of my cats... I play lots of games!" she told the camera. "Just not at work."

* * *

"So, ready to sign the papers?" the relator asked.

"Ano... can ya gimme a minute?" Ichimaru asked, walking outside and doubling over, breathing heavily.

"Buying this house at Ichimaru's age is like buying a coffin." Hitsugaya remarked. "And if _I_ were buying _my_ coffin, I'd get one with sturdier walls, so I couldn't hear the other dead people."

* * *

"Alright, so, what we have here is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies, and... I'm blanking on the name... Hinamori-kun?" Aizen began.

"Aizen-taichou, it's referred to as..._ flonkerten_. In Japanese, 'Box of Paper Snow-Shoe Racing'." Hinamori offered.

"Fair enough, but... I like flonkerten."

"The good thing about Aizen-taichou," Hinamori said to the camera, "is that, when he gets excited about something, he gets really into it, and he does a really great job... but, the bad thing about Aizen-taichou is that he doesn't like paperwork or fighting... so, that hardly every happens."

The camera went back to everyone else standing around the boxes of paper in the Fourth Division.

"Alright, so... who will challenge Kyoraku-taichou in flonkerten?" Aizen asked. No one spoke up. "Anyone...?"

"... I'll do it." Unohana said softly.

"Yes! Unohana-taichou!" Aizen said as the others burst into applause.

* * *

"Look, if this is a finacial thing, then I can-!"

"No, 's not a finacial thing!" Ichimaru shot back. "'S just... why am_ I_ the best-lookin' one 'round here?!"

"One o' primary rules of real estate," Ichimaru told the camera, "izzat ya should never be the best-lookin' person in the development. 'S just common sense. 'Cause then, the only way ya can go is down."

"If you're worried about the money, you can rent out the third bedroom." the woman suggested.

"I ain't rentin' out my third bedroom! I want a price reduction er I'm walkin' away!"

"You will lose _seven **thousand** dollars_ if you walk away right now." the relator said ominously. Ichimaru sighed.

The camera angled back to show Hitsugaya and Ichimaru eating lunch on the floor of the living room.

"Ya know what? I'm glad I signed!" Ichimaru told Hitsugaya. "'Cause now, I'm a homeowner!"

Hitsugaya chuckled. "Yeah... can you see those poor saps stuck back in their offices?"

Both men began to laugh.

* * *

Meanwhile, Unohana passed Kyoraku in Flonkerten. Cries of, "Oh...!" and "AH!" and, "Go, go, GO!" came from the crowd as they tripped to the finish line. Hinamori caught Unohana before she hit the ground.

"It's Unohana-taichou!" Hinamori cried.

"Yes! Unohana-taichou by a _nose_!" Aizen agreed. "Gold medal in Flarementon!"

"Flonkerten!" Hinamori corrected.

"Thank you, delegate from Iceland."

* * *

The camera panned back to show Kyoraku chugging a bottle of sake with the rest of the athletes standing around him.

"Wow! Okay, no one else should even _try_!" Aizen declared. "Gold medal for Kyoraku-taichou!"

The other shingami began to cheer.

* * *

"Ne, Hitsugaya-taichou."

"Yes?"

"How d'you feel about rentin' out my third bedroom?"

Hitsugaya stared at the other taichou.

"See, I believe in rewardin' people fer their efforts." Ichimaru explained. "And... Hitsugaya-taichou helped me close on this house, so in return I'm lettin' him live in my third bedroom an' pay me five hundred dollars a month, plus utilities."

"Question: Where can I put my tererium?" Hitsugaya asked.

"What the hell izzat?" Ichimaru demanded.

"It's a fish tank that holds snakes and lizards." Hitsugaya explained.

"Oh. So an aquarium." Ichimaru said. Hitsugaya smirked to the camera, rolled his eyes and shook his head. Ichimaru thought for a moment. "That thing ain't comin' in this place." he said, turning around.

"Okay, question: My grandparents left me a large number of armoires..."

* * *

The camera showed Zaraki and Unohana playing each other in "Horse" with paper balls and waste baskets. Hinamori stood against the wall, talking to Nanao.

"Are you sure you don't want to play, Nanao-san?" Hinamori asked.

"I'm sure." the other woman replied.

"You don't... have any games...?"

Nanao looked at Hinamori.

"Yes, I have one."

"_Really?_" Hinamori asked excitedly. "What is it?! Let's play!"

"Well, it's a lot like ping-pong." Nanao explained. "I count how many times Aizen-taichou stops whatever he's doing and comes over to talk to you."

Hinamori blushed. "What are you talking about?! I'm his fukutaichou! We're friends!"

"_Apparently_."

The camera zoomed back out to show the game.

"Very nicely done! Okay, so that's 'H-O-R' for Zaraki-taichou, and 'H-O' for Unohana-taichou." Aizen said.

Unohana glared over at him. "You callin' me ho?" she asked.

Everyone stared at the normally calm and gentle captain. Aizen smirked.

"Oh, my _God_: Unohana-taichou, coming alive! I like it!"

* * *

"So, will we be taking our vacations together?"

"We'll take 'em at differen' times."

"Hey, can I sometimes sleep in your room and you sleep in mine?"

"Why would do that?"

"Just for fun."

Ichimaru sighed.

"Hey, look! Carpenter ants!" Hitsugaya said loudly, walking over to the outside edge of the house.

Ichimaru made a sound like a basketball game buzzer.

"Game over! Offer revoked!" he yelled at the younger taichou. "I'm sorry! I reach out an' try ta be a nice guy, I reach out an'... ugh!"

"Thank _God_." Hitsugaya said to the cameras. "It was nice of him to offer, but... I like my living arrangement just the way it is." He smiled.

"You know, Ichimaru, maybe you can get your mortgage paid off early... that's what we did with my beet farm." Hitsugaya offered as they walked back to the seireitei.

"Nobody cares 'bout yer stupid beet farm, Hitsugaya!" Ichimaru yelled. "_Nobody_ likes beets! Ya know what? Ya should grow somethin' everyone likes! Ya should grow _candy_!" he sighed. "I'd really like a piece o' candy right now..."

* * *

"Alright, final lap!" Aizen held a stopwatch and was timing how quickly Ukitake and Kyoraku could race around the Third Division office with full cups of tea. "1:15! Time to beat is 1:15!" he yelled.

Ichimaru and Hitsugaya entered. Ukitake and Kyoraku stopped running and walked back towards their divisions. The shinigami all began to look at each other, then dispersed.

"Where are you guys going?" Aizen called. "Timer's still running!"

"That's my stopwatch." Hitsugaya said darkly. Aizen looked at it, and then at the younger captain.

"Why, yes it is, Hitsugaya-kun. Yes, it is."

* * *

"Hinamori-kun."

Hinamori walked warily over to Aizen's desk. "Yes?" she asked.

"Why don't you call the atheletes here for the closing ceremonies?"

She smiled. "I'm on it!"

* * *

A few minutes later, all the shinigami who had participated were gathered in the Fifth Division office.

"Alright, everyone... Thank you for attending the closing ceremonies!" Aizen said. The others began to clap. "So, first off... since Ichimaru-taichou closed on his house, gold medal."

Ichimaru stood on one of the platforms.

"And, for helping him do so... Hitsugaya Toushirou! Silver medal."

Hitsugaya warily took it and stood beside Ichimaru as Hinamori pressed "play" on a CD player. The national anthem of the United States began to play.

"Why the U.S. national anthem...?" Ichimaru asked Aizen.

"Because... your new home... is close to America?"

Ichimaru nodded as Hinamori's origami doves began "flying" behind the three men. Hitsugaya and Ichimaru turned around to glare at them.

"What the hell is that?!" Hitsugaya asked.

"Oh! Those are the doves." Aizen explained.

"Hm."

The camera showed all three men smiling before going black.


	2. Episode Two: Beach Games

**Disclaimer:** Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. The senseis over at NBC own The Office, and J.K. Rowling-sensei owns Harry Potter. The Bleach Rock Musicals and involved music also belongs to those writers. I receive no monetary benefit from this work and take no credit for the plot of these oneshots, except for when the plot goes off-book to suit the characters.

**Author's Notes:** Thanks so much for the lovely reviews! But, I just want to let everyone know- though I'm very glad you're enjoying this, I take absolutely no credit for hilarity of this. The only thing I'm doing is placing Bleach characters in episodes of "The Office" because frankly, I have nothing better to do. Also, this chapter has no relation whatsoever to the first one. Now, with that... enjoy!

* * *

"Where does it hurt?" Hitsugaya asked.

"All over..." Ichimaru moaned. "My head, my back... I dun wanna do anything..."

"No, you have to give me a specific part of the body."

"Here..." he pointed at the abdomen on the diagram of a human body on the computer screen.

"Maybe a contraction of the uterus? Your ovary could be releasing an egg."

"Not... 's not that..." he whined, burying his face in his arms on his desk.

"About forty times a year, Ichimaru-taichou gets _really_ sick, but has no syptoms." Hinamori told the cameras. "...Shirou-chan is always gravely concerned."

"Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?" Hitsugaya suggested.

"Dunno..."

"Taichou!" Kira Izuru opened the door to the library. "Yamamoto-soutaichou requested to see you, sir!"

"Really?" Ichimaru asked, straighting up and leaving his desk.

Moments later, Ichimaru faced the soutaichou.

"Ichimaru-taichou!"

"Hello again, Yamamoto-soutaichou." Ichimaru bowed in greeting.

"Ichimaru-taichou, I actually have some news." the soutaichou said. "I'm here to offer you... a position at Central 46!"

Ichimaru's jaw dropped. "I... I wish had prepared somethin' ta say, Yamamoto-soutaichou..."

"Oh, that won't be necessary, Ichimaru-taichou!" the old man said, sweatdropping accordingly. "But, it would be wise to decide who will be taking your place as taichou of the Third Division."

Ichimaru nodded solemnly. He already had an idea in mind...

* * *

"Okay, so... does everyone have their swimsuits...? Towels...?" Ichimaru asked the group of shinigami that were conveined in front of the Third Division office, dressed in clothes from the living world rather than their usual shihakushou.

"It's Beach Day!" Matsumoto Rangiku said excitedly to the cameras. "Ichimaru-taichou is taking a select group of shinigami to the beach, so, I'm wearing my swimsuit underneath my shirt-" she raised her shirt, only to realize that there was nothing underneath it. She promptly lowered her shirt and blushed a bit. "Damn," she muttered. "Packed it in my purse."

"Alright, everyone! Before we go, I have one more note!" Ichimaru said. "We'll be havin' a special guest accompany us tahday! Everyone welcome... Halibel, the Third Espada!"

The other shinigami merely glared at the Espada who walked over and took her place at Aizen's side.

"Tell me, what happens ta a division when ya take the taichou away?" Ichimaru asked in a private interview. "Well, 's like a chicken when ya take it's head away. It runs around with no head, an' then it dies. So, today I gotta see which one o' these people is the best chicken head for my division after I'm gone."

"Okay... Let's go to the par-tay bus!" Ichimaru cried, desparate to break the tension. Sure enough, a large bus was awaiting the group at the gates to the seireitei.

"Hinamori-chan?" Ichimaru asked her before she could get on.

"Yes?"

"Ano... I was wonderin' if maybe, during Beach Day, you could take some notes...?"

"What kind of notes?" she asked.

"Oh, jus'... ya know, like... what people are doin' all day... how they react to different things... ya know."

Hinamori sighed.

"Of course, I have the most boring job in my division..." Hinamori told the cameras, "So... of course, it would make sense that I would have the most boring job on Beach Day."

The camera angled back to show Aizen giving Ichimaru a death stare.

"Twice now, Gin, you have had my fukutaichou doing your work for you." he said dangerously.

"Ne, sorry, Aizen-taichou. Won' happen again." Gin apologized as Aizen got on the bus.

* * *

All the shinigami stared lazily out the windows until Kyoraku-taichou began singing the sixth Bleach opening theme song. As he went through it, all the other shinigami slowly joined in.

After a few more songs, Ichimaru moved to the front of the bus.

"Alright, you guys... I haveta letcha know, this ain't an ordinary trip to the beach. We... are goin' ta be playin' _fun activities_! All day!"

Everyone else glared at him expectantly.

"_Funtivities!_ And, there's a special secret prize fer the winner!"

"Yes! _Funtivities!_ I knew this wasn't gonna be a normal beach day!" Hitsugaya yelled.

"Eh, Hitsugaya-taichou, yer enthusiasm is turnin' people off..." Ichimaru remarked as he made his way back to his seat. He stopped in front of Hinamori.

"Hinamori-chan, didja get that?"

"Huh? Get what?" she asked, dazed.

Ichimaru sighed. "You're... just drawing pictures." he remarked. Hinamori blushed and looked at her doodles.

* * *

"Okay, ever'one... find a place, and sit down..." Gin said.

All the other shinigami plopped down on the warm sand.

"Everybody up!" Ichimaru yelled, standing in front of all of them.

"Here we are at scenic Lake Wannahockaloogie, the eighth largest body of water in all of Japan."

Aizen smirked at the camera and shook his head.

"It is here... tha' fourteen strangers who fight an' risk their lives tagether will compete fer the ultimate prize. One day, fourteen shinigami, but only one..._ Survivor_!"

"_Huh?_" Halibel asked.

"Yer all gonna be divided inta three teams," Ichimaru called, ignoring her question, "and... I'm gonna randomly pick team leaders without thinking at all... ano..." He sighed.

"Aizen-taichou, Hitsugaya-taichou, Tousen-taichou!"

The three walked up.

"O'course, Hitsugaya-taichou would be the prime candidate for my job, 'cause he's fun ta make fun of an' ever'thin'." Ichimaru told the cameras. "Aizen-taichou is strong, he's smart, and... well, tha's about it. Ano... Tousen-taichou is a good choice... 'cause of all the good tha' blind black people have done... in the world..."

The camera panned back out to show the whole group on the beach, with Ichimaru's choices facing the rest.

"Alright! Name yer teams!" Ichimaru commanded.

"We will be called Gryffindor." Hitsugaya said regally.

"Oh, really?" Aizen said, a smirk crossing his face. "Well, then... we will be called Voldemort."

Hitsugaya's blue-green eyes widened in fear.

"_He-who-must-not-be-named?_ That's not a very wise decision, Aizen."

Aizen continued to smirk.

"I don't care what you call my team." Tousen said.

"Well, then, yer team will be called the Red Team." Ichimaru told him.

Tousen crossed his arms. "No. The _Blue_ Team."

"Ne, who d'you guys want fer yer teams...?" Ichimaru asked, trying to change the subject.

"Oh." Hitsugaya said. He then pointed at Ichimaru. "_**ICHIMARU-TAICHOU!**_"

"I ain't playin'." Ichimaru said.

"Oh. Well, then." He pointed at Matsumoto. "Matsumoto."

She skipped over to join her captain.

After the teams had all been selected, the teams lined up for the first contest.

"Alright, now... this ain't yer normal egg-an'-spoon-race." Ichimaru said. "This one has a lil twist!"

"It's already_ got_ a twist. You're carrying an egg on a spoon." Halibel remarked.

"Yer teamate is gonna be blindfolded! Firs' team ta go up there, circle the pole, come back an' put the egg in the pail without droppin' the egg is the winnah!"

The captains commenced blindfolding their selected teammate, and placing the eggs in the spoons.

"Y'all ready?"

The team captains nodded.

"GO!"

Almost immediately, Unohana-taichou lost her balance. The egg fell from the spoon into the sand.

"There goes that..." Tousen muttered.

The camera panned over to show Team Voldemort's progress.

"Okay... wait, stop, stop, stop!" Aizen yelled at Halibel.

"_**What?!**_" she snapped.

"There's a big hole right there. Okay, step... little more... oh, just _barely_ made it!"

The camera showed the beach beneath Halibel's feet, with no hole in sight.

"Andale! Andale! C'mon, c'mon!" Hitsugaya yelled fiercly at Rangiku, trying to lead Team Gryffindor to victory.

"Taichou, I'm gonna do this if you keep this up."

"Okay..."

Aizen was leading Halibel towards the water.

"Okay, one more giant step there..."

Halibel's foot sunk beneath the water.

"Yes!" Aizen yelled, chuckling.

"What the_ hell_?!" Halibel removed her blindfold and Aizen standing on the beach behind her, then realized her feet were wet.

"You _ass!_" she yelled, throwing the egg at Aizen and then running after him.

The camera showed Hinamori watching them.

"Yup, there's nothing better than... sun and... sand, and... diligent note-taking." Hinamori said privately, holding up her notes.

"Hinamori-chan!" Gin called from a few meters away. "You're missing things!"

Hinamori sighed and turned the page on her notepad.

* * *

"Hey, Hinamori-chan!"

Hinamori turned to see Ichimaru running towards her with several loaded shopping bags.

"What is it, Ichimaru-taichou?"

"Now, I know this ain't completely necessary, since these are pre-cooked, but... if you could heat up these eight-hundred hot dogs for a lil contest I'm havin'...?"

"Okay, great! When's the contest?" Hinamori asked.

"About ten minutes." Ichimaru stated. Hinamori's face fell.

"_How_ am I supposed to heat up...?"

"Thank you!" he called, running away.

Hinamori stared at the hot dogs angrily.

* * *

"Alright, here we have... the hot-dog eatin' contest! The one ta eat the most hot dogs before time runs out is the winnah!"

The other shinigami merely looked at the plates of hot dogs in front of them.

"And... _begin yer eatin'!_"

"Do we have any mustard...?" Matsumoto asked.

"Nope, no mustard!" Ichimaru said.

"What do we get if we win?" Yachiru asked.

"Ano... the Third Division haori and the feelin' like ya've done somethin' good in the world?"

"Can we just take the first one?" Yachiru wondered.

"The winnah gets my job!" Ichimaru confessed.

"_What?!_" Halibel said loudly.

"I didn' wanna say anythin' an' ruin beach day fer everyone, but... I'm bein' considered fer a job at Central 46, an' I need somebody to be captain o' my division."

"So, you're going to decide that based on a _hot dog eating contest?_" Aizen questioned.

Ichimaru nodded. Kira promptly shoved a hot dog in his mouth.

"_I would rather work for an upside-down broom with a bucket for a head than someone in my division other than me or my taichou!_ ..._**Game on**_." Izuru said to the camera.

"And... _stop_ yer eatin'!" Ichimaru yelled. "The winnah is Aizen-taichou with fourteen hotdogs!"

Aizen held his hand up, then swallowed.

"One came up." he muttered.

"_Thirteen_ hot dogs!" Ichimaru declared.

"_**Dammit!**_" Hitsugaya yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

"Nobody told me we were gonna have hot dogs...!" Ukitake called, holding a fish skeleton in his hand.

* * *

The camera panned out to show Kyoraku-taichou standing behind a bush. Nanao came up behind him.

"_Sabotage_," he whispered.

"What?" Nanao asked. "Are you saying, 'sandwich'?"

"No, I was saying that earlier." he said. "Just now I said... _sabotage._ The Dutch art of screwing up your own team."

Nanao smirked.

"I knew you were saying, 'sabotage'." she explained. "I was showing you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything Hitsugaya-taichou says until he goes _crazy_."

Kyoraku smiled. "If Ichimaru organizes some kind of group hug... stand next to me..."

* * *

Now Aizen, Tousen, Hitsugaya and Kira were all wearing blow-up sumo wrestling suits. Aizen and Tousen faced each other in the circle.

"Alright, now... yer feet may not touch the ground... ya can't step outside o' the ring... and ya must _always_ wear the safety mittens." Ichimaru explained.

"We don't _have_ any saftey mittens." Aizen and Tousen said together.

"Oh. Musta left 'em in my office... oh well! Go at it!"

Aizen and Tousen bowed to each other. Then, without warning, Tousen charged towards Aizen with a feral cry.

"Hey, man, what're you doing?!" Aizen yelled before Tousen shoved him out of the ring, knocking him flat on his back.

"Alright, Tousen-taichou!"

"Sorry," Tousen said, helping him up, "It's just to keep the points away from Hitsugaya."

"Yeah, no... cool. Great!" Aizen said, getting to his feet.

"I have never seen that look in a man's eyes..._ ever_." Aizen disclosed to the cameras. "I thought that I might die. ... On _beach day_...!"

The camera went back to show Hitsugaya charging Izuru, knocking him to his feet, but not out of the ring.

"What the-?!"

The boy-captain leapt on top of Kira, punching his stomach and screaming, "_GRYFFINDOR!_" at the top of his lungs.

"Okay, Hitsugaya-taichou! This one's yers!"

"I didn't win," Izuru said in private after the match, "but, that's because I've realized that... it's better to _talk_ things out than to fight them out."

"Psh," Hitsugaya said, walking up to Kira and eating a turkey sandwich, "_I totally kicked your ass!_"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Hitsugaya tossed the sandwich down onto the beach and tackled Kira again.

"How d'you like that?!"

* * *

Hitsugaya, still in his sumo suit, walked along the beach. Something in the water caught his eye; he leaned over the rocks, but lost his balance and plunged into the icy water with a cry of surprise.

Nanao heard the splash and dashed over to find Hitsugaya floating away.

"_Help! Help!_ ... Nanao-san! Nanao-san, go get help!"

"What? Hitsugaya-taichou, I can't hear you!"

"Go tell someone I'm floating away, obviously!"

"... I just don't understand what you want from me!" she called.

"Nanao-san, it's pretty simple! _Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody it!_" he yelled, thrashing about in the water.

"... Bye, Hitsugaya-taichou." she said simply, turning around and walking away.

* * *

Ichimaru stood on the beach, talking to the camera.

"I knew tha' findin' a sucessor would be difficult. I didn' know it would be _impossible!_ Aizen-taichou's not takin' it seriously, Tousen-taichou doesn't even seem ta care, and Hitsugaya-taichou... where the _hell_ is Histugaya-taichou?!"

The camera zoomed in on the little black dot floating on the lake that was Hitsugaya.

"D'you know where he is, Hinamori-chan?!" Ichimaru asked, oblivious.

"No..."

Ichimaru sighed.

"Who's in the lead fer points, Hinamori-chan?"

"Ano, I think they're tied. At one point you gave Aizen-taichou an extra ten points, Tousen-taichou a thumbs up and Hitsugaya-taichou a gold star. I don't really know how I should..."

"Maybe there's a conversion chart in the back."

"Ichimaru-taichou, I _really_ don't think-"

"Jus'... jus' look fer it, Hinamori-chan."

* * *

Ichimaru was talking to the group again.

"What qualities must a taichou have? Well, we're goin' ta find out."

Tousen began to walk back to the bus. "I can't take this anymore... I'm going back to the bus..."

"Fine then, Tousen-taichou! Yer loss!" Ichimaru yelled. "Now, then... we are goin' ta creat a lastin' memory and conquer our fears. We... are goin' ta walk... through _**FIRE!**_"

The pile of wood that would become the Coal Walk burst into flames.

Aizen raised an eyebrow warily at the camera.

* * *

"Has anyone seen Hitsugaya-taichou around lately...?" Hinamori asked. It was now almost dark; the sun was sinking behind the trees on the opposite bank.

Aizen shook his head. "Not since the sumo matches."

"Hm." Hinamori glanced back at her notes.

Meanwhile, the camera light turned on Hitsugaya, who was stopped against a rock on the opposite shore, unable to life himself out of the water in the sumo suit.

"_Hello?!_" he called. "Is anyone there?!"

The cameraman remained quiet.

"My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou! I was with a group called the Gotei Thirteen!"

The light slowly faded.

"_**Hello?!**_" the boy-captain cried desperately before fading into darkness.

The camera went back to the group at the Coal Walk.

"Who here has the guts ta be the new captain o' the Third Division?" Ichimaru asked the group. "Let him walk across these coals!"

"I'm gonna do it!" Hinamori said excitedly to the camera. "And, I fully expect to burn my feet and get sent down to the Fourth when we get home. That's the spirit going in to a coal-walk, right?" she asked, removing her shoes.

"Not you, Hinamori-chan." Ichimaru said.

"Why not?"

"Because... I need ya ta stand there an' keep score."

Hinamori sighed.

"Alright... Aizen-taichou, yer up first."

"Nope." Aizen said quickly.

"Why not?"

"Because I_ really_ don't want to burn my feet."

Ichimaru stared at him for a minute.

"You... _do not have what it takes to be a captain!_" Ichimaru yelled.

"... Yeah... that's _harsh_..." Aizen muttered.

"You know, Ichimaru-taichou, if you're gonna make everyone else do it, you should too." Unohana-taichou said.

"Yeah..."

Everyone began nodding at each other and exchanging looks before staring expectantly at Ichimaru.

Ichimaru stared down the coal walk while everyone else stared at him.

"... The mind... hasta wrap around... the foot..." he said slowly.

"D'you want us to count down for you...?" Hinamori asked.

"Yeah... count to three."

"_Ichi... ni... san!_" the group yelled.

"No, no, do it the other way!" Ichimaru said.

"... San... ni... ichi! _Go!_"

"Wait... am I goin' on "ichi" or "go"?"

The group looked at each other, knowing Ichimaru was trying to buy time.

"Wait!" Kira cried, stepping out of the group. "_I will do it!_ I will walk on these coals, and I will stand there until you award me the position of Taichou of the Third Division!" he cried, pulling his shoes off and stepping on to the coals. He walked almost to the opposite edge, causing a few, "Oooh!"s and "Ah!"s throughout the crowd. He turned to face his captain.

"Give me the job!" the blonde shinigami yelled.

"I don' think so, Izuru."

Kira twisted in pain.

"Give me the job!" he yelled again, sinking to his knees. "Ah!" he cried, falling face-first now as the coals burned him.

"No, Kira-kun, don't go down like that!" Hinamori yelled as Unohana rushed to help him.

* * *

"Ya know, I jus' dun understand where I got that connection... coal walks and bein' a captain..." Ichimaru said, leading the group away from the Coal Walk. "So. We're gonna have a one-hundred-point, winnah take all, sudden death lightening-round tribal council!" he said. "Ever'body sit in a circle now."

The group sat.

Hinamori, however, still stood at the coal walk.

"I think I'm gonna do it." she said strongly as she stared down the Coal Walk. She took a few steps back, the ran, full speed, through the sand, and then the coals.

"Whoa!" she cried, turning around to face the coals she'd just sprinted through. Her smile was huge as she turned towards the group on the beach.

"Now, we're gonna settle this with what I call... the 'Kathy Griffin factor'." Ichimaru announced.

"Who's that?" Yachiru asked. Ichimaru slapped his forehead.

"She's a comedian."

"Oh! You mean like Amanda Bynes?" the pink-haired fukutaichou asked.

"Who?"

"She's from, _What a Girl Wants_." Yachiru explained.

"Oh. I love that movie." Ichimaru turned back to the rest of the group. "So. Lessee which one of ya has what it takes ta be a Bynes er a Griffin. Aizen-taichou, you're up."

"Ano... I pass."

"Why?"

"Because... well, Yamamoto-soutaichou told me recently that _I'm_ being considered for the position at Central 46 as well." Aizen explained.

"Well." Ichimaru said. "I'm subtractin' sixty points from_ Voldemort_ fer false pretenses." he announced.

Just then, Hinamori sprinted over, into the center of the circle.

"I... I have something I have to say to everyone!" she said bravely. "I... I just did the coal walk!" she told them, then stared at the sand beneath her feet. "And, uhm... I've been trying to be more honestly lately, so..." She looked up at her friends.

"Why didn't any of you come to my art show?" she asked suddenly, raising her head to meet everyone's eyes. "I inivited every single one of you! And..." she turned towards Aizen. "Aizen-taichou. I've got something I need to say to you."

"I called off my wedding because of you." she said quietly. "And then you... left..." she shot a glance at Halibel before meeting Aizen's eyes again, "and now, we're not even _friends!_ I..." She turned to Kira. "I'm sorry, Izuru..." She turned back to Aizen. "I should've never been with Kira-kun. But, I was, and... there were a _lot_ of problems with our relationship before, but... I never really noticed them until after I became your fukutaichou... I miss having fun with you!" she announced.

Aizen held her gaze until she glanced at her feet.

"Well." Hinamori said simply, turning around, "I'm going to go walk in the water now."

Aizen stared after her as all the women in the group gave him their death stares.

"Tha' was really great, Hinamori-chan!" Ichimaru called after her. "But, I'm still looking fer someone with a background in swordplay, too..."

* * *

On the bus ride back home, the group burst into a chorus of "Hona, Sainara" from the Bleach Rock Musicals.

"Sainara, hona sainara! Ashitawa kitto halleujah! Sainara, hona sainara!"

As they sang the final lines, Ichimaru rose from his seat and began doing the dance in the aisle of the bus just before the camera went black.


	3. Episode Three: Dinner Party

**Disclaimer:** Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. The genius writers over at NBC own "The Office", and therefore the plots of these unrelated oneshots. (Except for when I went slightly off-book, but that almost never happens. xD)

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much everyone for the lovely reviews! You have no idea how happy they make me. : ) Also, if you guys are really enjoying the events of these, catch "The Office" Thursdays on NBC, or on the NBC website. Seasons 1, 2 and 3 are currently available on DVD, and parts of Season 4 are on the website. Please, I beg you, if you're laughing your pants off, support the writers and buy the DVDs. The only credit I take is being bored enough to stick Bleach characters in "The Office". And as a random note, this is one of the few chapters were actual pairings are established. To be specific, GinxMatsumoto, AizenxHinamori and ShunsuixNanao. : )

Now, go enjoy this "episode"!

* * *

"This is ridiculous." Hinamori muttered. Ichimaru had called her, Aizen and Histugaya to come help him and Kira with a "special project" they were working on, though no one quite understood what the project was. They had also been there for several hours.

"What time are we gonna get out of here...?" Aizen muttered.

"Hey. You got plans tonight?" Ichimaru asked Aizen.

"Nope. You told me not to make plans so I could help you."

Ichimaru nodded. "Man, this is B.S.! Total B.S.!" He turned to the group. "You know what? You guys go enjoy yer evenin'. Kira an' I can pick this one up tomorrow where we left off."

"Thanks, Ichimaru-taichou." Hinamori said before walking to the door.

"Yeah, thanks." Hitsugaya added, walking her out.

"Ya know what? We got a lot o' that done." Ichimaru told Aizen.

"Hm-mm. We did." Aizen replied, nodding.

"I think we should celebrate! How 'bout you an' Hinamori-chan come ta my place fer dinner tonight?"

"Oh, I dunno, we-"

"_You said you didn't have plans!_" Ichimaru cut the other captain off. Aizen sighed.

"Ichimaru has asked me and Momo-chan to dinner... at least _nine times_ since we got together." Aizen explained. "And, every time, we've managed to get out of it. _But_, I have to give him credit- he really got me this time. In fact... I'm starting to think that there _was_ no "special project"..."

The camera went back to everyone leaving Ichimaru's office.

"Ichimaru-taichou!" Hitsugaya called. "What time should I be arriving for dinner tonight?"

"Uh... about that... you... will not be comin'." Ichimaru said. "'Cause... it's _couples only_... and... me and Ran-chan don't have enough sake glasses..."

"Well, who else is going?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Ano... me, Ran-chan, Aizen-taichou, Hinamori-chan, Kyoraku-taichou and Nanao-san."

Hitsugaya's face fell.

"Does it _bother me_ that I wasn't invited to Ichimaru's dinner party...?" he repeated in private.

The boy-captain's face fell as he began to sob loudly.

* * *

A knock on the door of the house got Matsumoto's attention. She opened it to reveal Aizen and Hinamori standing outside.

"Hi! Come on in, you guys!"

"You have a beautiful home," Hinamori commented. "And! We brought you this!" She held out a bottle of sake.

"Wow! Thanks so much!" Matsumoto cried, placing it on a table in the living room. "So, do you guys want to take the tour first, or appetizers first?"

Hinamori and Aizen looked at each other before Aizen spoke.

"Tour first. Totally."

"Okay! You want upstairs first or downstairs, hon?" the strawberry blonde asked Ichimaru.

"Totally your call, hon." he replied.

"Upstairs it is!" she cried, leading the way.

"Doing a little construction?" Aizen asked, glancing at the tarp where the back door was supposed to be.

"Jus' redoin' the slidin' glass door." Ichimaru explained, climbing the stairs.

"This..." Matsumoto said, opening a door, "is my office!"

"_Never been used_," Ichimaru muttered.

"And_ this_..." Matsumoto continued, ignoring his comment, "is my workspace!" She threw open a door to room full of scented candles.

"So... you have an office _and_ a workspace...?" Hinamori asked.

"Yeah, I just... can _not_ create in the same place that I do business." the other woman explained. "I'm sure you're the same with your doodles!"

The camera zoomed in to show Hinamori raising her eyebrows at the term "doodles" and Aizen sticking his head out of the door to breathe correctly, as all the candle perfumes were making him choke.

"Here! Smell!" Matsumoto commanded, sticking a candle under Aizen's nose.

"That... fire, right?"

"_Bon_ fire," Matsumoto corrected.

Ichimaru started playing loudly with some of her candles.

"Whenever I get... _annoyed_ or... _frustrated_..." she muttered, glancing at Ichimaru, "I just... come up here and smell all my candles! And, poof! Just goes away!"

"Just like that..." Aizen muttered.

"Now, when I first moved in here," Matsumoto began, moving into the master bedroom, "it was like, _super_-white, like an asylum. I wanted something a little softer, so I had it painted an _eggshell_ white."

"Hey, guess what?" Ichimaru remarked. "White an' eggshell white are _the same color_."

Matsumoto suddenly noticed the camera on a tripod next to the bed.

"_Hon!_" she snapped, blushing as she took down the tripod and shoved it under the bed, "I thought I told you to...!"

Hinamori blushed scarlett as she and Aizen exchanged a look.

"Wow,_ cute_ bench!" Hinamori cried, staring at the bench at the foot of the bed, desparate for a distraction.

"Oh, thank you!" Matsumoto said.

"Tha's my bed." Gin muttered.

"_What?_" Aizen and Hinamori said together.

"Well, Ran-chan has some space issues, so I jus' curl up on this baby."

"Are you sure? It looks really..._ small_ and... _narrow_..." Aizen asked.

"'S actually bigger'n it looks. Here!" Gin said, flopping down on it.

"See? He fits_ perfectly_!"

Suddenly, the group was back downstairs.

"So, I finally broke down an' got myself one of them plasma TV's from the Livin' World!" Ichimaru said, gesturing to the 20-inch television set mounted on the wall above the fireplace. "I can jus'... sit here an' watch TV all day. I love this TV!"

The doorbell rang, and Matsumoto rushed to get it.

"Hi! Come on in, you guys!" she cried as she let Kyoraku-taichou and Nanao inside. "Okay, well... we're just gonna take the short tour and then I can get dinner started!"

"Ano, I can help you with dinner, if you like." Hinamori offered.

"Oh, no, the main dish just has to cook for three hours, but everything else is done!" Matsumoto chirped.

Hinamori's eyes turned to small white circles as she spoke. "Three hours from _now_ or like, three hours ago from _earlier_, like... four o'clock?"

"You know, Hinamori-chan, in some countries in the Living World, they don't even _start eating_ until midnight." Matsumoto said.

"When in Rome," Ichimaru added.

Aizen and Hinamori exchanged a look as Matsumoto began to lead Kyoraku and Nanao upstairs.

* * *

"Here's ta good friends." Ichimaru said, holding up his cup of sake.

"Cheers," the rest agreed, holding up their glasses and drinking.

"Ano... music? Should we turn some music on?" Matsumoto asked Ichimaru.

"Sure." Ichimaru said as Matsumoto got up from his lap.

"I picked this up when Gin bought his TV," she explained as the French music began to fill the room. Matsumoto began absently dancing along in front of the stereo.

Nanao raised her eyebrows as Aizen and Hinamori looked at each other until Matsumoto stopped dancing and sat back down.

The camera cut to a private interview with Hinamori in the tiny downstairs bathroom.

"I don't_ care_ what they say about me, I just wanna _eat!_ ...Which I_ know_ is alot to ask for! ..._ At a **dinner party**!_"

The group began playing charades.

"My, my my... my turn! My, my my... my turn!" Ichimaru yelled, getting up.

"Hon, can you stop that? It's giving me a headache." Matsumoto said, rubbing her temples.

"It's makin' people laugh! See? I was watchin' Aizen-taichou's face, and he was laughin'!"

The camera showed Aizen, who was no where near laughter.

Ichimaru and Matsumoto began to argue. The camera now went to a private interview with Aizen, who had taken out his soul pager.

"It seems that Gin and Matsumoto-fukutaichou have begun playing a game of their own, and it's called, 'See How Uncomfortable We Can Make Our Guests'! So... _I'm_ gonna make a run for it."

Aizen exited the bathroom.

"You guys will _never_ guess! I just got a message from my Third Seat... apparently, my apartment just flooded. Momo-chan, you ready to go with me to check out the damage?"

Hinamori's face brightened as she rose.

"It doesn' take two of ya ta do that." Ichimaru said. Hinamori's face fell.

"Well... I _guess_ that's true... Well, then. Dinner sounded delicious. Momo-chan, see you at home?" Aizen said, turning around to leave.

"Aizen-taichou, you _can't_ just abandon this party all by itself!" she said defensively.

"That's _very_ true," he called, turning around, "But,_ everything I own_ is there."

"You can _buy_ new stuff, Aizen-taichou, but you_ can't_ buy a new_ party_!"

Aizen stared at her as Ichimaru ushered him back to the group. "Why doncha just sit down, and we'll make ya forget about all yer stuff bein' destroyed." Ichimaru said, patting Aizen's shoulder as he sat down beside Hinamori.

"Ano, is there more sake in the kitchen?" Hinamori asked, getting up.

"No, I'll get it, I'll get it!" Matsumoto said, rising. "What kind of hostess would I be if I didn't? You know what? Nanao-san, c'mon! _Girls trip!_"

Nanao slowly rose from her seat and followed the other two into the kitchen.

Matsumoto opened the oven to check the food.

"Not even _close_," she muttered, closing the oven door.

Hinamori sighed.

"So... you keep a very tidy house." Nanao remarked.

Matsumoto chuckled. "You should see our bathroom after Gin takes a bath." she said. "But... I don't have to tell you about that, do I,_ Hinamori-chan_?"

"Heh, _yeah_..." Hinamori then realized what Matusmoto had said. "Wait, _what?_ Are you _joking?_"

"Well, Gin's _alot_ different than when you guys dated... oh, he told me a little bit about it, but... _I've_ seen the way you look at him."

Hinamori blushed a bit. "I have never, _ever_ dated... or _wanted_ to do anything _resembling_ dating Ichimaru-taichou. Not now, not then, not now, not... _ever_." she said.

"..._I've_ seen the way you look at him when you pass the Third Division." Nanao said, smirking.

Hinamori glanced helplessly at the camera.

* * *

The camera went to the guys, who were sitting in the garage.

"Hey, so I noticed ya checkin' out Ran-chan's candles." Ichimaru said to Aizen.

"Not really... she just kind of _shoved_ it under my face..."

"Didja know that candles are the fastest-growin' product in the Livin' World right now? Two_ billion_ dollar a year industry. An' fer just ten thousand dollars, ya both can becom co-owners o' Serenity By Ran." he informed them.

"Already thought about it: I'm _in_." Kyoraku said, already drunk.

"Wait, are you _seriously _trying to get us to invest in Matsumoto-fukutaichou's company?" Aizen asked, raising his eyebrows.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"What's it _now_...?" Ichimaru muttered, moving toward the door.

Matsumoto had already answered it. Hitsugaya stood in the doorway with a bottle of sake, two glasses, and a woman none of them had ever seen in the doorway.

"_**Awesome!**_" Hinamori exclaimed under her breath at the sight of her friend.

"What are you doing here, taichou?" Matsumoto asked.

"Yes," Aizen added coldly, "what _are _you doing here, Hitsugaya-kun?"

"We came to have dinner and party. This_ is_ a dinner party, right?"

"What is_ he_ doing here?" Matsumoto asked Ichimaru angrily.

"Hitsugaya-taichou's my_ friend_." Ichimaru said. "And ya told me tha' I couldn't invite him 'cause he isn't part of a couple, and we didn' have enough sake glasses. But, he's brought sake glasses and a... _person_."

Matsumoto pushed past him towards the kitchen.

"I hate my life," she muttered under her breath.

"So... can we come in?" Hitsugaya asked.

* * *

Everyone sat around the table, picking at their appetizers in silence.

"I'm gonna go get the food..." Matsumoto muttered, getting up.

Ichimaru leaned across the table to Hinamori.

"Hinamori-chan!" he whispered.

"Yes?"

"...I can' _prove_ it, but... I think she's tryin' ta poison me. I hope she didn' do somethin' ta the food..."

Hinamori's face turned white as Matsumoto sat a plate of food in front of her.

"_I **know** that Matsumoto-san didn't poison the food!_" she hissed to the camera in another room. "_I **know** that! **But.** If she **was** going to poison the food of** someone** at that table... wouldn't it be **me?** Ichimaru-taichou's** former lover?!**_"

The camera went back to the table, where everyone was eating in silence. Ichimaru abruptly got up.

"So..." Aizen muttered, trying to make some conversation.

Just then, Ichimaru re-entered with a neon beer sign in hand. He took down painting on the wall behind him, hung up the sign and plugged it in.

"Hon," Matsumoto began, a phony smile on her face, "you think you can take that _down_ until our guests leave and then we can discuss it?"

"No, hon," Ichimaru replied in contempt, "I think it ties the whole room tagether!"

Matsumoto stood up and put in her CD.

"Ya know... Ran-chan thinks that French lady's _so_ good! But ya know what?!_ I_ dun think she's that great!" Ichimaru shouted.

"At _least_ she's an artist!" Matsumoto shot back.

"Yeah? Well, at least_ I_ haven't gotcha tryin' to get yer rich-ass friends involved in_ my_ business!"

"For an _investiment opportunity_!"

"Ya know what? I'd really like ta_ burn_ all yer candles!" Ichimaru stated.

"_**You burn it, you buy it!**_" Matsumoto said dangerously.

"Well then, I'd be yer first customer!"

"And you're _hardly_ my first!"

"... _**That's what she said!**_"

Frustrated, Matsumoto glanced around until she saw a vase. She picked it up, and threw it as hard as she could at the TV.

"That... is a_ two hundred dollar_ TV ya just killed! Have fun payin' fer that with yer _zero-dollars-a-year_ paycheck!" Ichimaru shouted.

Aizen stood up and put his hands on Hinamori's shoulders. "Yeah, we're gonna get out of here now..."

The other couples stood up and follow them out of the house. The police where standing on the front walkway.

"_Crap_," Aizen said under his breath.

"Can I help you, officers?" Hitugaya offered.

"Do you live here?" one of the policemen asked.

"I do," Ichimaru said, stepping forward. "What seems ta be the problem, officers?"

"Some of the neighbors where complaining about the noise. Do you know what was going on?" the other one asked.

"Oh, yeah... my girlfriend and I got inta a fight... there was some shoutin'... she broke my TV..."

"D'you want to press charges?"

"... Will she get in trouble?" he asked, suddenly worried.

The policemen exchanged a look. "You don't... _have_ to press charges, but... is there anywhere else you can spend the night?"

"Ichimaru-taichou can come home with me." Hitsugaya said. "C'mon."

"Aizen-taichou? Hinamori-chan?"

Aizen shook his head. "My apartment's on fire."

"Flooded." Hinamori reminded him.

"_Flooded!_" he corrected himself.

They stared, holding back laughter as Hitsugaya lead Ichimaru back towards seireitei.

* * *

"These are the _best_ instant noodles I've_ ever_ had." Hinamori said sarcastically, sitting at the table in Aizen's apartment as she shoveled more into her mouth.

"I have a confession to make, Momo-chan." Aizen said slyly.

"What?"

"I did something bad." Aizen lifted Matsumoto's CD out of the folds of his shihakushou. "I stole this."

"Matsumoto-san's CD...!"

Hinamori cracked up as he put it in the stereo, pressed play and began singing along.

* * *

After leaving Gin in his apartment, Hitsugaya walked his "date" back to where he'd found her, in 78th District Rukongai.

"Thanks fer dinner!" she said, waving as he walked away.

"So where'd ya go?" Ichimaru asked when he returned.

"... I had to take my date home." he said. After all, it wasn't exactly a lie...


	4. Episode Four: The Fire

**Disclaimer:** Kubo Tite-sensei owns Bleach. The genius senseis over at NBC own "The Office", and all music and movies mentioned belong to the respective owners/authors/artists. I own absolutely nothing and gain no monetary benefit from this work.

Please support the writers and purchase Seasons 1-3 of "The Office" on DVD if you really enjoy this. Season 4 will be available sometime in September, and Season 5 begins on September 25th, at 8 pm US Central Time.

* * *

Hinamori Momo sat at her desk, filing paperwork once again, when a knock on the office door jerked her from her thoughts. She dashed to it to find Inoue Orihime standing outside.

"Hi, Orihime." she said flatly. "You're here to see Aizen-taichou." It was a statement rather than a question.

"Only if he's not busy." Orihime said timidly.

Hinamori nodded. "We're kind of in hurry to get this paperwork done. Can I take give him a message?"

"Uhm, just make sure we're still on for lunch today, and that I'll meet him here around one, thanks."

"Hm-mm." Hinamori shut the door quickly.

"Orihime and Aizen-taichou... yeah, they're sort of an item. They met a while back, and... now I guess they're like, going out or dating or... something... And, ano... Am I talking really loudly? 'Cause I feel like I am." Hinamori said in a private interview.

"Orihime came by to see you." she told her captain as she went back to her paperwork. "She wants to know if you guys are still on for lunch today."

"Oh, great! Yeah... yeah, I guess we are."

Hinamori sighed.

* * *

Ichimaru Gin sat at his desk across from Kira Izuru.

"Kira, slash, Izuru. Kira Izuru is sittin' across from me right now... he's been my fukutaichou here for about ten years... So. The academy wants me ta evaluate you for somethin'?"

"Yes, a class I want to teach. I'm, ano... I'm very interested in tutoring the students in kendo, sir."

"Hm."

"Izuru's about ta go ta the Ichimaru Gin shinigami academy. Like a mix between Mr. Miyagi and Yoda." Ichimaru said to the cameras.

As Ichimaru talked to Kira in a horrible Yoda impression, the camera showed Hitsugaya standing sadly at the door of Ichimaru's office.

"Ichimaru's in there talking one-on-one with Kira. I haven't had a one-on-one with him in twenty years." he remarked sadly.

As the interview finished up, Ichimaru patted Kira on the shoulder as he exited Ichimaru's office. Hitsugaya stared sadly at them.

"Ichimaru and I have a very special relationship. Like, Batman and Robin, or the Lone Ranger and Tonto. And, it's not like it was the Lone Ranger, Tonto, and... Bonto." he told the cameras.

* * *

Hinamori stood from her desk to prepare her lunch, alone in the Fifth Division office. She sighed, and crossed the room to the kitchen.

Aizen rushed in.

"Hinamori-kun! Come outside!" he said excitedly.

"What is it?" she asked warily, knowing that if her taichou was this excited, there could only be trouble involved.

"The Third Division office is on fire!" he cried.

"_**What?!**_"

* * *

Ichimaru sprinted out the doors of the Third Division office to find Hinamori, Aizen, Zaraki, Yachiru, Unohana, Kyoraku, Ukitake and Nanao all staring reproachfully at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know: Women an' children first." he said to the group. "But, the women weren't in the office, and we don't have any kids in our division. We're not a sweat shop." He glanced at Yachiru.

Still in the office, Hitsugaya was trying to make sure he and Kira were the only ones still in there.

"Hitsugaya-taichou! We need to get out of here!" Kira yelled.

Hitsugaya spotted smoke coming from the kitchen as the fire alarms buzzed around them.

"Smoke!" he yelled. "_Smoke!_ We have smoke!" He grabbed Kira around the waist and pulled him to the ground.

"What the-?!"

"_Stay below the smoke line!_" Hitsugaya commanded, crawling towards the door as Kira rose and walked to the door. "Stay_ below_ the smoke line, dammit!"

"I don't think we have anything to worry about." Kira said, holding the door open as Hitsugaya crawled out. Kira sighed and followed him.

"I don't wanna be just... a guy here in the Gotei Thirteen." Kira said privately. "Like... Aizen is 'the crossword puzzle guy,' and... Matsumoto... likes to drink... I don't want to be remembered as just another guy..."

Outside, Aizen had gathered the group in to a circle as a team of shinigami rushed in to the Third to put the fire out.

"Okay, I'm setting the agenda now. We will be playing some intense, psychologically revealing games of 'Desert Island', 'Would You Rather?' and 'Who Would You Do?'." he explained. He turned to Nanao. "Nanao-fukutaichou, why don't you start? Three books on Desert Island."

"The Bible." she said quickly. Everyone stared at her.

"That's... one book... you've got two others." Kenpachi informed her.

"A Purpose-Driven Life."

"Third book?" Aizen asked.

"_No_." Nanao said firmly.

The group sweatdropped.

"I'd bring _The Da Vinci Code_." Unohana offered.

"_**The Da Vinci Code**_." Nanao said disdainfully. "I would bring _The Da Vinci Code_. So I could burn_ The Da Vinci Code_."

"Yeah, right. That would keep you warm for like, seven seconds." Hitsugaya said, entering the circle. "Question: is there firewood on the island?"

"Yes?" Aizen said, raising an eyebrow.

"Then I would bring an axe, matches, iodine tablets, NASA blanket, beet seeds, protein bars, and... in case I get bored..._ Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone._ No... _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban._ Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?"

* * *

"So..." Ichimaru began. He absently stroked the fabric on his haori. "This 's my haori. I... get seen wherever I go in it... I love this thing...!" He looked at Kira. "Ya wanna touch it?" he asked, holding it out him.

"Ano... no thanks..."

* * *

"_Well._ Looks like you guys don't read." Aizen muttered. "Okay, Desert Island Movies! Five DVDs. Matsumoto-fukutaichou."

"Ano... _Legends of the Fall_... _My Big Fat Greek Wedding_... _Bridges of Madison County_..."

"_**Wow**_." Aizen remarked in a private interview. Hinamori giggled beside him.

"_**Legends of the Fall**_." she said.

"Wow... _**Bridges of Madison County**_. These movies, are..." he muttered, holding back laughter.

"Actually, I kind of liked that one." Hinamori said.

"What?! Hinamori-kun, do you even understand the _concept _of the game? It's not Guilty Pleasure movies, it's Desert Island movies! Desert Island movies are movies that you're gonna watch for... for the rest of your life! For like, forever!" he said. "Unforgiveable."

"I take it back!" she cried.

"Unforgivealble." he repeated.

"I said I take it back!"

* * *

Hitsugaya rushed over to were Kira and Ichimaru were talking.

"Hey! What're you guys talking about?" he asked.

"The benefits o' bein' a taichou."

"Oh! I know all about that! Hey, Kira, didja know that-?!"

"Hitsugaya-taichou..."

Hitsugaya promptly attempted to tackle Kira. "As a taichou, you've got to be ready for _anything_!" the boy-captain yelled.

"He ain't yer five-year-old brother, Hitsugaya-taichou! In fact, he prolly knows more 'bout kendo than ya ever will! So... yeah."

Hitsugaya walked away, head hanging, as Ichimaru began talking with Kira again.

* * *

"Okay... Hinamori-kun! Bring us back in to swing! Five movies."

"Ano... _Legally Blonde_... _Office Space_... _The Phantom of the Opera_... _Dazed and Confused_-"

"Oh, definately in my top five." Aizen remarked.

"Well, it's in my top three, so, suck it." Hinamori shot back before continuing. "_The Princess Bride_, and... my _**all-time favorite**_..."

They were interrupted by Hitsugaya kicking the wall behind them. The group turned to watch him.

"Hey, Hitsugaya-taichou!" Aizen called. "All-time favorite movie!"

Hitsugaya shook his head and walked away.

* * *

"Man, you are so... smart. Yer so effin' _smart_. _You_ should be _my_ taichou." Ichimaru said.

Kira sweatdropped and looked away, wondering how he could get out of this one.

* * *

"Alright, we're just gonna skip on to the main event: Who Would You Do?" Aizen told the group.

"Present company excluded?" Kyoraku asked.

"Ano... not... necessarily...?"

"Hinamori-fukutaichou." Kyoraku said quickly.

"Hinamori-fukutaichou." Ukitake chimed in.

Aizen put his hand protectively on Hinamori's shoulder. "Okay, you know what? I didn't really explain the_ rules_ properly. Let me explain the rules first!"

They were interrupted by the sound of the song "Everybody Hurts", coming from the direction of Hitsugaya, who was singing along with his iPod.

"Ano... Zaraki-taichou, do you want to take over for me and explain the rules?" Aizen asked as he and Hinamori walked over to where Hitsugaya was standing.

"Hitsugaya-taichou?" Aizen called.

"Shirou-chan?" Hinamori asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned his music down and pulled an earbud out.

"What?" he asked sadly.

"What's wrong, Shirou-chan?"

"... Why didn't_ I_ decide to tutor the people at the academy?" he wondered.

"Who's tutoring at the academy?" Aizen asked.

"_Kira_." Hitsugaya spat.

"Ya know what? I'll bet Kira-kun thinks to himself, 'Man, I wish _I _had a fukutaichou like Matsumoto!'" Hinamori suggested as Aizen held back laughter.

"Who would want a fukutaichou who sits around and drinks all day?" Hitsugaya muttered.

"You know what...?" Aizen asked, his body shaking with controlled laughter, "You should leave the Gotei Thirteen."

"Nah... if I did that, Kira wins..."

"Well, you'll think of something." Hinamori told him soothingly as she and Aizen walked back to their circle. However, they saw that Ichimaru and Kira had joined the group.

"What're we playin'?" Ichimaru was asking.

"It's called, Who Would You Do?" Zaraki explained.

"Oh, yeah! I play this game all the time when I'm fallin' asleep!" Ichimaru remarked. All the women sweatdropped. "Who's up next?" he asked.

"I am." Renji offered, who had walked up as well.

"So, Abarai-kun, who would you do?" Aizen asked.

"Ano... what's the name of that... that tight-ass Christian chick? Dark hair, wears glasses?" he asked.

"My _name_ is Nanao." Nanao snapped.

"Nanao-san... _hi_." Renji said, moving closer to her. "Name's Abarai Renji."

Nanao sighed.

"Aizen-taichou, who would you do?" Renji asked. The camera zoomed in on Hinamori before moving to Aizen.

"Well..." he glanced around the circle. "_Kyoraku-taichou_. Hands down." he declared as the group began to chuckle. "He's got that... cute teddy bear thing going for him... and afterwards we could watch bowling or something."

"Well,_ I_ would have sex with Kira." Ichimaru said. "'Cause _he's _gonna be a taichou someday."

Kira sweatdropped as Renji burst into laughter.

"_You're all **gay**...!_" he choked, breathless.

* * *

Kira's soul pager suddenly began beeping. He took it out of his shihakusho and glanced at it.

"Would you excuse me? I have to take this." he said before walking away.

"I wish I had my soul pager... but, I left it inside..." Ichimaru said.

"Would it make you happy?!" Hitsugaya asked, hopeful.

"Huh?"

"If you had your soul pager, would it make you happy?!"

"... I guess so...?"

"Alright! Great! I'm on it!" he yelled, rushing back into the Third Division office.

"Hitsugaya-taichou! You idiot!" Ichimaru yelled after him.

"What if he dies in the fire and that's the last thing you ever said to him?" Renji asked the silver-haired captain.

"I didn' say it to him. I said it about him." Ichimaru said defensively.

Aizen stared at his watch nervously as Ichimaru and Kira stood in front of the doors to the Third Division office. Hitsugaya had already been in the building for almost seven minutes.

"God, what the _hell _is takin' him so long?" Ichimaru wondered aloud. He turned to stare at Kira. "Izuru, call my soul pager. It'll make it easier fer him ta find it."

"What's the number again?" Kira asked.

"I thought you had it. I gave it to ya a while ago, 'member? I saw ya program it in." Ichimaru said.

Kira scrolled through his contacts list. "Nope." the blonde shinigami said. "Oh, no, wait... _here_ it is." he said, punching a button and lifting the pager to his ear.

Almost immediately, the theme song from Bleach Rock Musical: Saien started playing. Ichimaru quickly went through the folds of his shihakusho, then slowly brought it out.

"Oh... dear God... we better tell somebody..." Ichimaru said, looking around nervously.

Just then, Hitsugaya burst through the doors of the office, coughing.

"Shirou-chan!" Hinamori yelled.

"Hitsugaya-taichou!" Ichimaru and Kira yelled together, running towards the boy-captain.

"Are ya alright?!" Ichiamru half-yelled.

"Heh..." Hitsugaya smirked. "Apparently... when they train you to tutor academy students in kendo... _they don't teach you how to use a toaster oven!_" He pulled a blackened... object out of his shihakusho and held it up for everyone to see. "_Some_ sexy liutenant put the toaster oven on the wrong setting and set his cheese pita on fire!" he yelled. Kira blushed and looked at his feet as everyone started cracking up.

"Well... guess they dun teach ya how ta use a toaster oven when they train ya ta tutor academy students in kendo, eh, Kira?" Ichimaru asked.

"That's what I just said!" Hitsugaya remarked.

"Didja miss that day er somethin', Kira? _Toaster Ovens 101_?" Ichimaru went on.

"Hey, hey! This is a little song I wrote... when I was in the office amongst the flames." Hitsugaya said, clearing his throat. "_Kira started the fire! It was always burning, since the world's been turning!_"

Ichimaru joined in. "_Kira started the fire! It was always burning, since the world's been turning!_ Everybody, c'mon!"

* * *

The camera cut to a private interview with Kira, who was staring at his lap.

"I can _not_ believe... _I started the fire_..." the blonde shinigami said slowly.

* * *

Just then, Orihime walked up. Aizen jogged over to meet her.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Oh. There was a fire in the Third Division office, but nobody got hurt." he explained.

"So what's with the circle?"

"Oh! Do you want to play Desert Island?"

Orihime's face brightened. "Sure!"

"Hey, you guys!" Aizen called, waving to the circle, "We've got a new player!"

The camera cut to Hitsugaya standing alone, eyes shining as he began singing again.

"_Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe!_(1)_ **Kira started the fire!!**_" he half-yelled, holding up the blackened cheese pita as he said, "Kira started the fire".

"Okay, Orihime-chan. Five movies, go!"

Orihime thought for a moment. "Okay, first is... _Bridges of Madison County_."

Aizen slapped his forehead as Hinamori held back laughter.

"Ya know, I forgot what a... _nice_ girl Orihime-san is." she said in a private interview. "And she and Aizen-taichou are just... _so _cute together. You know what? _Good_ for Aizen-taichou. _Good for him!_"

The camera cut back to Aizen and Orihime walking together. Hinamori, suddenly angry, turned to Renji, grabbed him by the collar of his shihakusho, and kissed him with as much force as she could. Aizen glanced over his shoulder, staring longingly at them before turning his eyes back to Orihime.

The camera slowly faded to black as Ichimaru talked with the fire crew.

**Author's Notes:** I'm so sorry this chapter took so long! I'm really busy getting ready for the new school year, which starts in three days, so after this Thursday, get used to updates being about this slow. Thanks for your patience though, and please continue with the lovely reviews! They always motivate me to write a little bit more. : )

(1): _Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe _- the lyrics to Billy Joel's hit, "We Didn't Start the Fire", a song that discusses major world events of the twentieth century.


	5. Episode Five: Company Picnic

**Disclaimer**: _Bleach_ is the brainchild of Tite Kubo and the The Office belongs to NBC. I receive no monetary benefit from this work.

**Author's Note:** Thank God we're back! A long-awaited gift for everyone who's been doin' a little R&R. :)

* * *

Izuru sprinted towards the door to answer the knocking.

"Catain Unohana?! What do you need?!" he hissed desperately.

"Lieutenant Izuru, I need to speak with Captain Ichimaru and I heard you were all in the office catching up on paperwork."

"He's not here! Can I give him the message when he gets up- gets back?!"

"I'll just... come back later..." Unohana slowly walked away with one more glance at Izuru.

"Okay. Let me lay this out for you. Ichimaru ate a chicken pot pie for lunch and... no. Let me rephrase that. He ate an_ entire_... Let me be more specific. He ate an entire _family-size_ chicken pot pie for lunch and then promptly fell asleep. So, we're trying not to wake him up before five o'clock, which is in... Soon."

Izuru stood across from one of the newest graduates, whispering violently.

"I'll get his computer and desk clock, are you sure you can you get his watch?!"

"I think so!"

"Normally I don't condone leaving the office early when we have to be here, but I have an appointment..." she revealed privately.

The camera revealed Izuru and the new division member adjusting the clocks in Ichimaru's office and then running back out. More squad members were turning clocks forward throughout the office.

With a look from Izuru, everyone began to laugh loudly. Ichimaru stumbled out of his office and joined them in the laughter.

"Wha's so funny?"

"Oh, captain, you would've just had to be there!" Izuru said breathlessly.

"Oh, i's five o'clock. Okay, well... ever'one go home. I'll see y'all tamorrow." Ichimaru said, leaving the office as everyone rose from their chairs.

"Bye, Captain!" they all yelled before turning to each other and exchanging high-fives.

* * *

The training ground was divided in to areas with volleyball courts, picnic tables and barbeque pits. Everyone who was walking around wore t-shirts of different colors, with a design of some sort, each color for a different division

"Okay, so we just have to walk around so everyone sees our faces and then leave, right?" Hinamori asked Aizen as they walked towards the training ground, both in dark red Division Five shirts.

"Sounds good to me." he said with a grin.

"Oh, we love picnics. I mean, who _doesn't_ love a Gotei Thirteen picnic?" Aizen said to the cameras.

"Oooh, tell them what happened last year!" Hinamori said.

"During the softball game, bottom of the ninth, there was this _**huge**_ spider in my mitt-" Aizen began.

"No, no, the other thing."

"Oh yeah. Some drunk guy hit on Momo-chan last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance."

"Yeah. You don't grab these for balance." Hinamori said with a gesture to her chest.

"**_Well_**." Aizen said simply with a smirk. Hinamori blushed and stared at her feet.

The camera cut to show Ichimaru and Kyoraku wandering around the volleyball courts, each in their respective shirts.

"Hey, is that Matsumoto?" Kyoraku asked, pointing towards the busty blonde holding the hand of Shuuhei Hisagi.

"We're jus' friends!" Ichimaru said quickly as the couple approached the men. "So, my question is, why did they let _you_ in here? Tha's what I wanna know." he asked Matsumoto.

"Ah, so I see they're just letting _anyone_ come in." she shot back with a smirk before embracing him. "You remember my boyfriend, Shuuhei?"

"Um, I think so..." Ichimaru said quietly.

"Yeah, I've seen Captain Ichimaru around." The young lieutenant said, reaching forward to shake the captain's hand.

"Um, would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either/or. The combinations are endless." Ichimaru asked the couple.

"Lemonade would be great!" Matsumoto said.

"I'll take an iced tea." Shuuhei offered.

"Well, _you_ can go to hell." Ichimaru told him.

"What?" The other man said, raising his eyebrows.

"I lied ta Kyoraku. I can never be 'jus' friends' with Ran-chan. She an' I are soul mates. I actually made a list o' why she an' I should be together an' I'm going ta find the perfect part o' the day ta tell her." The captain told the cameras.

"Nothing. So, what've you guys been up to lately?" Ichimaru asked, shaking it off.

"Not much..." Matsumoto said, staring at the ground.

"We're designing a house." Shuuhei said proudly.

"Oh, really? For who?" Gin asked.

"For us." Hisagi said, wrapping his arm around Matsumoto.

"So, um, you wanna go reherse?" Ichimaru asked the blonde.

"Yeah... that might be a good idea." she said, turning around to hug Shuuhei.

* * *

"Okay, everyone listen up! We can _not_ suffer the humiliating defeat that we did last year with Aizen's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident at the softball game." Hitsugaya yelled. Since everyone was divided amongst activities, members of each division had been split up in to teams for the volleyball games.

"Actually, I could've died. I looked it up online afterwards." Aizen said.

"Anyway." Hitsugaya said quickly. "Hanatarou, Izuru, Yachiru! You guys are my bump row!"

"Hey, Histugaya. Can you put me next to Aiko?" Hanatarou asked quietly.

"Who? What? I don't understand."

"You know. The new graduate who just came to the Third."

"Oh, I see. You want me to set you up with a good setter so you can spike it." Hitsugaya said. "I'll cut you a better deal. I'll put Unohana behind you. She's the best setter on the team."

"That's, um... not what I..." Hanatarou began, but Hitsugaya was already back to organizing the team.

* * *

"Well, in his infinite wisdom, Head Captain Yamamoto has put Team Gin/Ran back together for a comedy skit!" Ichimaru informed the camera.

"Explaining the history of the Gotei Thirteen." Matsumoto said brightly. "Extry, extry, read all about it!"

Ichimaru laughed. "Newspapers fer sale!"

* * *

On the volleyball court, team Ice Dragon was playing team Smoke and Fire. The ball sailed over the heads of most of team Ice Dragon, and Kyoraku dove for the ball.

However, the captain dove too soon, and the ball bounced off his back and on to the sand.

"Dammit, Kyoraku!" Hitsugaya yelled.

"Are you blind?! Are you blind?!" Hanatarou yelled as well.

"I'm sorry, guys... I missed that one time."

"Can you _see_ things?! With your _eyeballs_?!" Hitsugaya yelled at him as Aiko smiled at Hanatarou.

"You're doing great, by the way." he told her as she beamed.

* * *

"Um... I brought some snacky-snacks... in case we get hungry..." Ichimaru offered, taking the lid off a container of chocolate-covered strawberries.

"Oooh, yes please." Matsumoto said, grabbing one. "Mmmm."

The captain stared at her for a moment. "So, do you have anything planned out for today?" she asked.

"Wha?

"Do you have a script for today? For the sketch?"

"Oh... no. I figgered we could just wing it. Izzat cool with you?" Ichimaru asked with a smirk.

"Crystal-cool." she said with a grin.

* * *

"Okay. New plan. We need to focus! You are _better_ than this. _I _am better than this." Hitsugaya said, placing his hand on his forehead. "Hinamori! Hey! Do you know if you're right or left handed? Wait, what hand do you use to use your sword?"

Hinamori grabbed the ball from Hitsugaya. "Back off, Toshirou-chan." she said, walking back to the corner of the court before sending the ball flying over the net and in to the sand.

"Wow!" Aizen said, looked back at Hinamori.

"What?" she muttered.

"Maybe I played a little in Rukongai. And all the way through the academy. And went to volleyball camp most summers!" she said privately between games.

Team Smoke and Fire was defeated with Hinamori's serve, and team Sea Slug was on the court, getting beaten by Ice Dragon.

"Ouch. My ankle." Unohana shouted.

"What's wrong?" Aizen asked.

"I think I twisted it!" the other captain shouted.

"But you weren't moving!" Hitsugaya called after her as she walked off the court. "Dammit. Okay, we need a sub!"

"I'll play." Nanao said.

"Hey, Isane!" Hitsugaya yelled. "Are you here? Get in!"

"_Yes_! Man in!" the liutenant hollered, sprinting on to the court.

"What the hell?" Nanao muttered.

"We don't hear cheaters, tramps or women who break their captains' hearts." Kyoraku informed her, not looking at her. The woman crossed her arms angrily.

* * *

"We could do a movie." Matsumoto suggested. "Back to the Future...! The original captains have to go back in time and fix their parents...."

"Where could we get a Delorean?!" Ichimaru wondered.

"Jaws. They swim across the Sea of Japan and terrorize the Living World." Matsumoto suggested.

"We haven't found our great idea yet." Ichimaru told the cameras.

"Nope. We're circling it." Matsumoto added.

* * *

"Alright, one more point and we play Team Azumanga." Hitsugaya told his team as he tossed Hinamori the ball. She promptly served, but a return from Team Sea Slug forced Hanatarou to set the ball overhead.

"Don't set it to yourself!" Hitsugaya criticized as he set it to Aizen, who bumped it over to score.

"YES!" Hitsugaya yelled. "We advance to the next round!" He pumped his fist in the air as Aizen hugged him.

"Now, now, guys, settle down or get a room." Hinamori joked.

* * *

"And now, we're going to be viewing a comedy skit put on by two of our favorite Gotei Thirteen members, Rangiku Matsumoto of the Tenth and Gin Ichimaru of the Third!" The Head Captain informed the shinigami, who had gathered in front of the "stage". "I have not seen this!" he added quickly.

Ichimaru and Matsumoto entered.

"Are you ready to play, 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'?!" Matsumoto yelled.

"Yes..." Ichimaru said, with a fake Indian accent.

"For one-hundred dollars, where did the first captain perform the first konsou? Was it a)the Living World, b)Rukongai, c)the bottom of the sea, or d)while brushing his teeth?"

"Hm... I am thinking... that I will say... A. The Living World." Ichimaru answered.

"You are correct!" Matsumoto yelled. The two stood up.

"How did you know that it he was in the Living World?!" Matsumoto yelled at him, pretending to stab him.

"**AH!** I was there!** AH!** I was in the Living World when he did it! **YAAAAAH!**" the captain screamed. Matsumoto then knelt as Ichimaru drew his sword and pressed the bottom of the hilt gently to her forehead. They then quickly returned to their seats.

"For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did Shinji Hiraiko die? Was it a)suicide, b)a terrible car wreck, c)a mysterious Hollow attack or d)brushing his teeth."

"Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I have seen in my entire life. I will have to say... C. A mysterious Hollow attack."

"That is CORRECT!" Matsumoto yelled.

"**YES!**"

"I don't really enjoy the theatre." Zaraki revealed privately. "But this is delightful!"

"The recent economic downturn has caused some downsizing in divisions twelve and six, followed soon by what other division?"

The shinigami began mumbling nervously amongst themselves.

"Is it a)the Fifth, b)the Tenth, c)the Second, or d)Toothbrush?"

"Hm... I will say... C, the Second."

"WHAT?!" the shinigami in the front, all wearing electric blue for their division colors, cried in rage.

"How did you know that?!" Matsumoto demanded.

"**AAAH!** Head Captain Yamamoto told me!" Ichimaru cried.

"Head Captain, is this true?!" Soi Fon yelled in rage.

"Well... there has been talk of... downsizing the Second Division." the old man answered.

"And?!"

"... We're downsizing the Second."

"No!"

"We're the best Division here!"

Ichimaru and Matsumoto bowed and ran off.

* * *

Team Ice Dragon sat in a circle next to the volleyball court.

"Maybe we shouldn't play under the circumstances." Hinamori said.

"No, the people need volleyball now more than ever." Hitsugaya told her.

"How do you figure?" Aizen asked.

"Because if we don't play, then the other team wins." Hitsugaya said seriously.

"Captain Hitsugaya is right. Team Azumanga deserves to have its ass kicked." Ukitake agreed.

"Let's do this." Hinamori said solemnly.

* * *

"Dammit, Ichimaru, I told you that in confidence! Did you just need a little material for your sketch and think, 'Oh, this would be funny!'?!"

"Thank you." Ichimaru said quietly.

"We didn't think they knew." Matsumoto covered.

"What about the fact that they're here today? All of them? Was that not a little red flag? Now I have to go over and deal with all of those shinigami."

Ichimaru and Matsumoto looked at each other.

* * *

Hinamori spiked the ball over the net, the whole team thinking there was no way it could be returned. However, a quick return from Tousen caused Hinamori to dive for the ball and trip.

"Ah!"

Aizen ran over to her.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Can you help me up?" she asked.

"Sure." he said, grabbing her arm as she gasped in pain.

"Hey, hey! You should really get that looked at." Byakuya told them.

"Captain Kuchiki is right. That really needs to be checked out by someone in the fourth." Tousen agreed.

"I'm fine, seriously! Look! I can move it great!" Hinamori yelled.

"Yeah, she'll be okay." Aizen agreed.

"Aizen. Are you putting a volleyball game over your liutenant's health?" Tousen asked.

Hitsugaya jogged over to Aizen and Hinamori.

"Don't worry guys. Go to the fourth, get it looked at and come back as quickly as you can. I'll try to stall sending the subs in."

"Alright." Aizen said, scooping Hinamori in to his arms and running towards the Fourth.

"Hey! Team Azumanga! We'll be back!" Hinamori yelled over his shoulder.

"_Dammit!_ I am just _so mad_ that Hinamori's injured!" Hitsugaya yelled, kicking the abandoned ball into the trees with false rage. "Oh. I'll get it."

Team Azumanga exchanged a blank look as the boy-captain walked slowly toward the tree line.

* * *

"How do you think it went... until the thing 'bout the Second...?" Ichimaru asked.

"I think it went pretty well." Matsumoto said, a bottle of beer in her hand.

They looked at each other for a moment.

"We'll have plenty of material for next year's sketch." Matsumoto offered before taking a drink.

"Yeah. I'm lookin' forward ta it." Ichimaru said.

"I think that taday was jus' 'bout having taday. An'... We're one o' those couples who has a really long story. Like, maybe next year I'll be with someone, an'... it'll be a while, but it'll be perfect someday." he said privately.

"Well, we should probably get going." Shuuhei said, walking up and reaching for his girlfriend's hand.

"It was great to see you." the blonde said, hugging her old friend.

"Yeah... you too."

"Captain Ichimaru." Shuuhei said, nodding at the captain before walking off.

* * *

"Well, can you hold them off any longer?! No, Hitsugaya, I can't. No, don't send the subs in yet! Well, they're about to send her in for an X-Ray, so it shouldn't be much longer, okay?! Yeah." Aizen slapped his pager shut as a new woman in the Fourth wheeled Hinamori by.

"How long do you think this is going to take?" Hinamori asked her.

"Well, it's a little slow today, so not long. Now, no surgeries recent, no radiation this year, no chance that you're pregnant?" The young girl asked.

"Can we just hurry this up?!" Hinamori asked, blushing at the word 'pregnant'. "I have a game to get back to."

"Oh, that's brilliant, because the next question I was going to ask was if you had a game to get back to."

* * *

"Hitsugaya, c'mon. It's time to put in the subs." Tousen said.

"Yes. It looks as if Aizen and Hinamori won't make it back." Byakuya said.

"I guess it's fine. Except, it's not fine." Hitsugaya replied. "How many people have to get hurt before we learn a valueable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?"

"Hitsugaya, knock it off." Tousen called over the net.

"No, no. Let me finish." Hitsugaya retorted. "Five? Six? Seven? Eight?"

* * *

"C'mon, Hitsugaya! Look, they just called me in for an update, so just buy us a few more minutes! I'll call you right back." Aizen shut the pager and went in to the room.

The doctor spoke and Hinamori beamed as Aizen threw his arms around her before running back out in to the hall.

"Hey, Hitsugaya? Send in the subs. Eheh heh heh...." he closed the pager without waiting for the response. The camera zoomed in on his face as he pushed the hair back from his face and looked like he could cry.

The camera showed the pair embracing again in the room before going black.


End file.
